Have you ever caught yourself thinking about the past- whether it be two years ago, last week, or when you were 5 years old- and realized just how much has changed? Not only in yourself but in your life? Or maybe going back to a place where you have memories, and just having all those memories come surging back and having the sudden realization that those memories are just that- memories. They are not your life anymore.
Living at home, I still see people from my high school every once in a while. To think that it was just 2 years ago that I was starting my senior year is incredible. So much has changed. I’m still friends with my high school friends, which is more than most can say, but we don’t talk as much. We skype or text every few days or so. But its not like in high school where we saw each other every day. And after a while, I get used to that. Its normal. But then, I’ll go to see my high school band perform- and the memories just surge in. I’ll remember big things, like going to state marching contest, and winning trophies and making a one at state for solo and ensemble, and the stupid little things like eating lunch in the hallway or spending lunch practicing my flute in between the doors that lead to the band hall because it always made my tone sound amazing. Or being flute section leader. And then I think about being at TCU, how I’m not even in band anymore. I’m in the crew, a sorority, two honor societies, and a fashion group. I am completely immersed in campus life. I love it. But its so different. And it just amazes how much can change so fast.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I want to go back to high school. I don’t. High school is not the time of your life, and if it was for you, then I am truly sorry, for your life must be very pathetic. I just cannot believe how much can change in such a short time. How much people can change- I know I have. Although I’m not saying I’m incredibly confident, my confidence has definitely grown since going to college. It went down first- I felt (and still do sometimes) like an outcast for being “the girl that lives off campus”. But living off campus has forced me to be involved on campus if I want to meet people and make friends. Its forced me to eat alone in the cafeteria, sleep in my car like a homeless person, spend 7 hours in the library studying alone- and be totally okay with it. I could have never done that in high school. Eating alone may have brought on a panic attack that caused me to go into shock. Now, its the norm. I’ve also learned that there is not harm in applying. I never applied for anything I didn’t think I could get in high school. In fact, when I take personality tests, one thing that is often mentioned is that I am an achiever- and that I will go after everything I think I can get. Going to TCU though, everyone is amazing, and you don’t get everything you apply for- and that’s okay. I honestly had never been rejected from something I’d applied for before going to TCU, and I had a huge shock when I didn’t get what I applied for. I didn’t know how to handle it. And then I realized, so what? I didn’t get it. I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason I didn’t get that job. Maybe someone else needed it more, or maybe I just needed to learn how to handle rejection. Maybe it was both. Now, I don’t just apply for things I think I’ll get. I apply for everything I want, and I go after it. I don’t overthink applying or worry about who else is applying. I just apply. And if I don’t get it, its okay. I’ll apply again next time. If I don’t get it ever, then maybe there’s something better out there for me. The point is, I’ve learned how to just go after every opportunity there is, not just the ones I think I can get.
I don’t know why, but sometimes I just get into these really deep, contemplative states and I just can’t get out of my head, no matter what I do. So I’m hoping that writing it out, everything that’s going on in my head, will help me get out of my head and back to functioning as a semi normal person.
Being August (HOW is it already a WEEK into August…?!?!) everyone is talking about going back to school. Most everyone I know is looking forward to it, at least somewhat to see friends at college, moving away from parents and being on their own again, whatever. I on the otherhand, have none of this to look forward to. I’ve barely even spoken to any of my friends in college. I’m not moving out. I’m still stuck at home. And all of my close friends are leaving. While I know, I know, that I should be just so incredibly grateful for what I do have, and believe me, I am, I wish I were moving out. I know I shouldn’t complain. I have no place to complain. There are people who don’t have half of what I have, who can’t even imagine the opportunities I’ve been given. But I still wish I were moving out. It is so hard to listen to all of my friends talk about moving, all being on their own, living without parents and having the freedom to do whatever they want, whenever they want. I feel like the loser stuck at home, still living with my parents. I feel incompetent, unsuccessful, like a failure. And I feel like people look at me like that. “Are you still living with your parents?” “Well yes I am, seeing as I don’t have 10 grand a year to move out.” I keep telling myself that I won’t be home forever. This won’t be how it is. I just need to save now so I can move out. It will be better. I had to sacrifice living conditions in order to get to my dream school. Sometimes, I’m just not sure if it’s worth it. And in no way do I regret going to TCU. I don’t. I absolutely love it there. I love the campus, the staff, the faculty, the students, the entire vibe that’s there. Just every so often, I wonder if I’d be happier somewhere else where I could be on my own, living alone. I mean, I’m going to be 20 this next year. 20 years old and living at home. How pathetic does that sound. I always thought that by 20, I’d have my shit together, but I don’t. I mean, I’m by no means losing my shit (yet) but I just don’t feel as like… complete as I thought I would. I thought I would feel more mature, more knowing of what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I still feel like I don’t know anything. I never thought that this would be how it is. I guess we can never really predict what our lives will be like. It would be quite a boring adventure if we could… no surprises. I think we’d spend all our time dreading knowing what was coming, rather than striving to do better and bettering ourselves and just enjoying life as it is. Anyways. I just wish I were moving out. It is so hard listening to everyone else talk about it. I know, I shouldn’t be jealous, and I’m usually not, but I am. I am so jealous of the people moving out, of their independence. I just wish I could move out. I don’t even want a “nice” apartment. I just want somewhere decent. Nothing fancy, or expensive. Just the chance to be on my own would be so great. And I can’t get it off my mind. It’s all I think about. I sometimes wonder whether I should have gone to TCU. Anywhere else I would have had to move onto campus. Well anywhere else other than like UTA or UNT, which I don’t want to go to anyways. But at least then I’d get the college experience. I feel like I’m missing out on so much by living at home. Half the time people tell me I’m not missing out, the other half they laugh and say I’m missing it all. And I know, dorms aren’t glamorous or luxurious. But that’s where you make friends. That’s where you spend your time not in class and hang out. It’s where you make memories. All I have is my car, and no one is going to go hang out in a car. And then people are all like, Oh yeah, just come over to my dorm. But our schedules never match, I can’t get into the building, and i have to text them and see if they’re free before I can go. I just feel like it’s a huge bother to them when I try, so I avoid it. It’s just not the same as living near your friends or living together. No sleepovers, no late nights- just late night drives home, alone, which make for great self contemplation on how much I hate living off campus as I drive the 30 to 45 minutes home. I know this is a huge venting session, but I don’t know what else to do, so I’m just trying to get it all out. If anyone is actually reading this, kudos to you for getting this far. And I know, first world problems to the max, but it really does hurt to see everyone else moving on while I’m stuck here, and no one really understands what its like to be in this situation. I’ve barely made any friends, I’m not considered for most leadership positions on campus because I don’t live on campus so I “don’t understand the community”, I spend 2 to 3 hours a day driving, and any time anyone is hanging out, they never text me because it would be at least 30 minutes before I could be there, so I’m left out of any kind of hangout. It really hurts. I know I’m being a huge baby about it, and I should just suck it up, but it really hurts. I feel so discriminated against sometimes because I am the last person to be considered for almost anything, even though I try to make myself readily available for anything- I always offer to drive even though its completely out of my way, I stay on campus all day most days, and I’m flexible with everyone else’s schedules. I just wish people would consider me more when they hang out. I think if that would happen, I would mind slightly less that I don’t live on my own. Not be completely okay with it, but at least not tear me up. I don’t feel like part of the community, or part of anything, even being as involved as I am, which is SO hard when I don’t live on campus. I spend all day- from 9 AM til 10 or 11 PM most days- on campus. And then my parents bitch that I don’t get home til late, which I feel like is completely ridiculous since I shouldn’t even be living at home in the first place! Not to mention, they’re the ones preventing me from moving out, since they were the ones who decided that if I want to move out, I would have to pay for EVERYTHING- food, gas, tuition, books, and insurance- rather than trying to help support my efforts to grow and become independent. I’m not saying I expected them to pay for my apartment, but they already pay my tuition and food and insurance and gas. In fact, me moving out would cost them less in gas since driving every day to and from campus require me to get gas at least once a week, even with the great gas mileage my car has. Its just so far.
I think what bothers me the most about this, is I can’t see any possible plan I can make that will get me out of this situation. I’m okay with most things as long as I’m able to devise a plan that will eventually make it okay. There just doesn’t seem to be a way in this situation. There’s almost no way I’m going to be able to afford those expenses even in a year. The only possibility I can see is if I talk to my parents and convince them to continue to help support me, but I honestly don’t see them going with that. I feel trapped. And I don’t understand why they want to prevent me from moving on with my life. Aren’t parents supposed to help and support the growth of their children? I don’t expect them to pay any more than they’re paying now, I just want to be on my own. And the fact that I can’t see any possible way to do that for myself just drives me insane. I feel helpless, and I hate it. I can’t see any way out of this situation, any glimmer of hope or plan that will eventually get me to where I want to be. And that is what is getting to me.
I’m also very frustrated with some of my friends. I feel like they’re always saying, Oh yeah we should totally hang out! But then when I try to, they’re always busy. And I know they have lives, but they are ALWAYS busy. ALWAYS. They don’t even make an effort to make plans, or if we agree to plans, something always comes up so that they can’t keep the plans. I hate the lack of commitment most people have. I understand if it happens a few times, but after it happens to EVERY plan we made in the past few years, it just gets really annoying.
Another issue I’m having, more related to the moving out, is I can’t seem to find something that I do to let off stress- what I do now is shop, but I can’t just window shop. I buy. And buy. And buy. And spend. I do it as a coping mechanism; if I feel bad, I shop. If I’m bored, I shop. If I had a shitty day, I shop. If Aaron is gone, I shop. And I need to find something else to do other than shop. I’ve been trying to read, but it doesn’t give me the same release. Maybe I can take up writing. I just don’t know why I’m writing. Maybe it will help me and doesn’t matter why, it just matters that I feel better. I just need to start saving more and spending less.
On top of everything else (violin playing, I know), I am so completely dreading when Aaron moves away. I rely on him so much for everything, and he has this ability to make me feel better no matter what. Not to mention, I miss him so much it literally hurts. And I mean, it really hurts, my chest physically hurts, when he’s away. I don’t know why, but I expected it to be easier this year when he left because we’d already gone through it twice the last two semesters, so I’d know what to expect. But I think its even harder now, because since I’ll be working, chances of me going to visit him are looking pretty bleak. I’m not even sure if I’ll be getting sleep let alone driving out to his school to see him. And he can drive here to see me, but I’ll still have work, and he has to pay for his own gas, so it’s not going to be something he’ll be able to do very often. And I know we’ll figure something out, and no, we won’t die if we don’t get to see each other once a month, but I really would like to. It is such a relief to get away from the world and just spend time with him, not worrying about anything. Being around him is the only time I get to just enjoy, not worry about assignments or projects or tests coming up. I just enjoy. And for me, that is hard.
Okay, venting done, for now. Longest written out venting session ever right here. If only I could harness this energy for writing essays…. I would be so beast….!
As summer ends, many of you are getting ready to head back to your college lives. For some of you, this will be your first year at college- which means Freshman Camp!
Freshman camp is a great experience for new students. It transitions you from your high school habits into a college environment. You’ll be meeting a lot of people at camp- new friends, upperclassmen leading the camp, and more than likely a few staff members- so you want to make an impression that will last, in the good way.
- Dress appropriately. More than likely, you will be playing games and icebreakers that involve physical activity, sitting on the floor, and being outside. Now is not the time to show off your strapless sundress.
- Don’t wear school gear. As much as you love your university, everyone else there will too, so make a statement with your personal style.
- Be weather- friendly. You don’t want to be overheating or freezing instead of meeting new friends! Check weather forecasts before you start packing.
- Layer. You may not be inside or outside the entire time, so make sure you bring clothes that you can layer with.
- Leave the oversize bag at home. Even though you may think you need everything in your purse, you don’t. Invest in a crossbody bag that you can keep your phone and wallet in.
While you’re at camp, you’re more than likely participate in games that involve running or jumping. Wear jean shorts with a racerback- you’ll be able to participate and still make a statement. Add a belt and sneakers so you can run without worrying about your flip- flops falling off, and braid your hair for a summery look that keeps your hair out of the way.
What do you think?
This weekend has been so chaotic! I spent Friday working on my speech project, researching marketing techniques for teens so I can develop a marketing plan for Red Bull. After a day of researching, I went out with Aaron to J Rae’s Bakery. They had the annual peeps diorama finalists on display that are photographed in the Star Telegram, so we went to see the mini exhibits. Can you say, adorable?? Seriously, these people put so much work into these amazing little dioramas. We also got some chocolate chip cookies while we were there, which were absolutely phenomenal. If you live in the Fort Worth area, you must try J Rae’s.
Saturday was another day that I trudged through homework. I know, my life is seriously so exciting right now, I bet anyone would trade me in a heartbeat. The exciting part happened today. I woke up around 10 AM, thinking it was just any old Sunday. My dad apparently decided it was change-the-oil-in-your-car day, so I very reluctantly went outside to help him, which basically consisted of me handing him paper towels while he did all the mechanical/ technical stuff. Once all that was finally over I went inside and started on my homework. It wasn’t until 12:30- still in my PJ’s and no makeup on- that I realized I had an initiation ceremony that I was supposed to be at at 1 PM- and I still had to get ready. I scrambled around, an explosion of makeup covering my face, and dashed out the door 10 minutes before it started, while it takes me 30 minutes to get to campus. Needless to say, I was late, but didn’t actually miss much. Anyways, I am now officially a member of Phi Upsilon Omicron National Honor Society for Consumer Science.
Hopefully, this week will go slightly less chaotic than today has.
My schedule has been so hectic lately. Do you ever get to that point that you just have so much to do that you just aren’t sure where to start? That’s how I feel right now. Don’t get me wrong, I love my classes, I love TCU, and I love everything I’m doing. But there is just so much to do that I’m not sure where to begin. Within the next two weeks, I have 3 major projects due, none of which have been started. I have a ten page psychology research paper due along with a 20 minute presentation with it; I have several pages of documentation due for a window display project, in addition to designing the store window; and I have an 8 page research paper and presentation in which I have to plan and explain a new marketing strategy for Red Bull. On top of that, I’m in the process of applying for a position at TCU, applying for jobs, going through training for FrogsFirst, getting initiated into two honors societies, running for secretary for one honor society, training for leadership, planning a campus event, getting initiated into my sorority, and helping run campus events. Whoever said that college involves a lot of free time was so wrong.
This is Piccolo, my new baby hedgehog. She is very timid, and doesn’t like to be woken up- she huffs and puffs up when she’s woken up, and her quills become very sharp and she rolls into a ball, like a tiny cactus. Once she’s awake she’s less grumpy but she’s still adjusting to the new environment. She loves hiding in her strawberry. And, she’s pretty much adorable. I absolutely love her.